I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
- Jerome K Jerome
The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Steven Weinberg
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin
I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I always wake up screaming.
- A. A. Attanasio
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
- Groucho Marx
Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
- Leslie Nielsen
She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw
You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
- E.A. Gilliam Subject: Funny
In Los Angeles they don’t throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
- Woody Allen
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
- Douglas Adams
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse’.
- Francois Morency
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.
- Bob Monkhouse